Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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