I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
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