my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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