there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
