I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sober January is a disaster.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
