Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
