He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
