3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
