I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
