Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
