Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Bring me that man meat
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Randomize
