my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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