Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
