i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
