I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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