In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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