Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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