ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
