So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
sex in a hospital.. check
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
