Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
