My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
