I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
