Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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