I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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