$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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