Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
