I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize