somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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