This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
