This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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