Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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