Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
