True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You took a bar mat shot.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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