I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
