ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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