He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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