Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
