I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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