He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
