Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
