Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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