yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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