how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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