My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So squirting runs in the family.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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