mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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