a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
