is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
