dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize