I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize