We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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