WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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