Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
