Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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