Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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