I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
