My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
