He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
