Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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