Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
